while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
