Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
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I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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