seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
