i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
