im six kinds of drunk right now
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
