Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
