I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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