If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
