He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
