I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We're too hungover to prance.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
