you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
