So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
