i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
