I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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