I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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