you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
