Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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