OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
