that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
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