He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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