You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
