Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
