They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
