apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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