Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
