I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
