Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
