I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
kristin has been a bad kristin
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
