My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
