if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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