I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
