You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
