I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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