and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
