her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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