hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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