I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
