Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
