I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
