Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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