Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
