my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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