How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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