This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
