Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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