ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
