Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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