There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
