Welp...herpes.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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