True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
