i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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