Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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