Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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